Friday, February 20, 2015
“All defensiveness and emotional tumult is a fear response because of your need for acceptance and ruthless control of the territory of your safe fantasy world.”
Matt is a guy I worked with who couldn’t take anything that resembled criticism. His M.O. was to criticize the way I was doing things and prove his rightness. Actually he may not even realize it. Which is probably the most annoying thing.
We all know people we can’t talk to because everything is a battle. Any comment is met with ruthless defense, when you weren’t even on the attack.
These people are maddening to say the least. This is beyond simply standing up for yourself. These people are extreme. It’s almost as if they are anticipating an attack and are reciting some script they have been working on for a long time. The thing is, they probably have. They are most likely coming from a situation where they were judged or criticized excessively.
It’s a primal response straight from our reptilian brains. We are reptiles when we’re being defensive. It is motivated by fear and not reason. We are not thinking when we are in this state, which is why rehearsed lines are more prominent, as are fiery arrows of blame.
“Yeah, but you...”
“Well, why did you...”
So how do we deal with this? Hard as it may be, don’t fall into the trap of defensiveness. Rise above. “Don’t go lizard, go turtle,” Martha Beck suggests. Focus on something positive about the situation or think of something to engage your thinking brain. She suggests thinking of a bright color, or solving an analytical problem.
The reptilian brain operates out of scarcity. Something is lacking; something is wrong. They zero in on the wrong things. Not only is the good not on their radar, they have no hope. These people need assurance that everything will be ok. Not so much in words, but in actions. It can be tough when they are on their manic whirlwind of dis-ease.
That is why it is so important that, we, their counterparts in this case, are operating from an attitude of “enough” or even abundance. Another way to go about that is, instead of looking for things that are wrong, look for things that are right. It will accomplish the same thing, but it will completely change your mindset. This will help arm you from their defensive jabs.
“Critical thinking without hope is cynicism. Hope without critical thinking is naïveté.” Maria Popova
Posted by Brooke at 4:27 AM
Friday, January 23, 2015
|Don & Laura Smith|
c. Don E. Smith, Jr
Brooke Musterman is a part-time philosopher and she shares these thoughts in her "Reptilian Rantings" web site. This wonderful blog is dedicated to chronicling stress and how people react to it in the work place. But what about the "out of the workplace?"
Life became a bit trying for me this year as I found myself unemployed.
Employment news and unemployment are a bear unto themselves.
Besides the obvious, "What do we do about income?" "Y'know bills can't be paid with empty promises?" "What do I do?"
I am going to lay it out there - unemployment, mostly, is a mind game. I mean that kind of annoying "The person I liked smiled at me - is it love? Wait! They're frowning in my direction! Does that mean they hate me?"
What was I to do? The answer came in an unusual way - a crock pot.
One weekend soon after my unemployment, my friend Peggy said randomly, "It's never been used. Interested?" "What the heck?" I responded.
Another thing happened, upon hearing about my issue, a friend bought me a bag of groceries. In the bag were apples and apple juice. Also, while reading a coupon circular, my wife found a crock pot recipe for apple sauce.
When rolled around my patient "missus" was at work and I was left alone. Sure I could watch TV, read or surf YouTube, but worries of the future set in!
Then an idea hit, "Crock pot!" I forced myself out of the chair, grabbed the recipe Laura found and I grabbed the apples and began peeling and cutting! In about 45 minutes, the crock pot was beginning to heat up with a cup of apple juice, lemon juice, some Stevia and vanilla.
It helps to understand that before I was unemployed, my wife did all the cooking or we would go out to eat or fast food. The idea that I could cook was alien to me! But by doing this simple act, something kicked in.
For the next five hours, while the apples "slowly cooked" (hence the name SLOW COOKER), I found myself attacking each room of our apartment. The bed got made, the dishes got washed, the laundry was done and I made dinner (grilled hot dogs - I could do that at least).
By the end of the day, I did not have that feeling of "Boy, am I useless!" What I found was a feeling of accomplishment. My wife came home and found she did not have to clean or cook.
That was the day I learned "Cooking was a distraction!" And any distraction that will keep "the gates of despair" from opening and emptying out on you is a good thing!
Within weeks, I was teaching myself crock
|The crock pot that changed it all|
c. 2015 Don Smith
pot recipes like chicken, beef and, of course, lots and lots and lots of apple sauce! I began posting the photos on Facebook and began experimenting with regular dishes. Just this past Christmas I got a garlic press, cutting boards and cook books.
Now I did not become the next Emeril or Julia Child, but what could've been a bleak and discouraging mindset, became overshadowed with confidence and a new creativity. Confidence and creativity are skills and tools needed as I find a new job.
I was sharing all this with my friend Peggy and she said, "Do you know why you have this new sense of confidence and creativity?" I said, "Not really."
"Because as you learned how to feed your body," she said. "You really learned how to feed your soul!"
I thought about this, and I realized Peggy was right. It turns out that Peggy is also a part-time philosopher.
Posted by Brooke at 3:53 AM
Monday, November 17, 2014
Leo Babauta was a very different person in 2005. He was 70 pounds heavier, a chain smoker, huffing and puffing to a job he hated. He was in serious debt and he had no time for his wife and three kids. Even when he did, he preferred to just veg out, because he was so spent. He was miserable and he knew it. He also knew that to get out of his misery he would have to make some changes, let go of some deeply ingrained habits that he had developed as security blankets. This was perhaps the scariest thing.
I am an avid reader of Zen Habits. I always get something great out of his posts. His posts talk about manageable, simple things that I can actually do to great effect. He is finishing his latest book about changing habits, Zen Habits: Mastering the Art of Change. Let me tell you, there is no one more suited. He is the poster boy for changing habits. He has done it!
Always unconventional, he is crowdfunding his book. His book will not be sold in stores or on Amazon. It will only be available via Kickstarter.
This week I had the awesome opportunity to interview Leo.
Everyone wants to make changes. Few can stick with those changes. In your book, you share some of your tips on how to make change last, through a process called mindfulness.
First off, can you explain what exactly “mindfulness” is?
Leo: In the book, I compare mindfulness with a spotlight: usually we go through our lives not really aware, not seeing the present moment, not noticing our thoughts. Mindfulness is simply shining a spotlight on all of that, so that we’re aware of what’s happening. It takes practice to remember to do that, but when you do remember, you can see the resistance in your mind to change, you can see your rationalizatons and urges, you can feel when you’re resentful or frustrated. If you can’t see any of that, you can’t change it. Mindfulness also helps me to appreciate more about each moment, and to enjoy the moment more fully.
Leo, everyone can relate to where you started. There are many of us who are in debt, hate our jobs, could lose a few pounds, start an exercise program. We all WANT to make change. We know we SHOULD make a change, but just can’t. I know for me, I can have the best of intentions, but I either forget, because the habits are so ingrained, or give up because it’s too difficult.
But you actually did it! You overcame all of the really “impossible” obstacles, quitting smoking, drinking, overcoming debt, etc.
Many people get overwhelmed because they know they need to make a lot of changes, but you didn’t make all of these changes at once. You say you started by making just one change. You started by quitting smoking and gave it all you had. Once you slayed that dragon, you moved on to the next. Tell us about that. How did you decide which one to take on first? How did you deal with the tough parts, the cravings, the fidgeting, the bad moods?
Leo: Well, I did try to change a bunch of habits all at once, but that wasn’t working for me. I kept failing. So I decided to just try one, and pour all my energy and focus into that. I chose quitting smoking because I thought it was the worst thing I was doing and I really wanted to change it. I don’t recommend that as a first habit change, though — choose something easier. But yes, I did have to deal with cravings, bad moods, and very strong resistance. What helped was mindfully watching the urges arise, and then not acting on them. I also learned to cope with stress in other ways (other than smoking), by breathing, meditating, taking a walk, doing some pushups. I also learned to call on other people when I was having a hard time, and to distract myself from the urges when necessary, to delay action on the urges until they went away. Finally: I learned not to believe all the negative self-talk that I found myself doing.
|Get the book!|
Personally, I am trying to finish a few writing projects that I am struggling to find time for. After a full day of work, I just want to nap and veg out. I have been setting two hours a day that all I can do is go to my office and write. It’s just that so many other things seem to vie for my attention then. Its all too easy to postpone my writing time for something “quick” [and necessary] like unloading the dishwasher, checking email/voicemail, etc. Before I know it my two allotted hours have passed...again.
Leo: Yes, exactly! We think of the productive work as this big block of time, a huge task we need to get done, but the email or dishwasher are quick tasks that seem much easier. So we do the easy and put off the huge chunk of work until later. What if instead, we just saw the writing as an easy task — something you can do in a couple minutes. “Just start writing” should be the task you think of … and then, once you start, maybe you’ll want to continue!
You talk about relaxed productivity. I love that. I know few things get done when we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off, but if we breathe through it. It all gets done. I work at Starbucks and when it’s really busy, I know I can get it all done if I just move a little slower, breathe through the steps. Unfortunately people usually want me to move faster. They don’t realize that if I rush around they’ll have to wait until I fix my mistakes. There are several jobs like mine, where if people don’t see you running around, they think you aren’t taking it seriously or are being lazy. They don’t realize that the less you are in panic mode, the more productive you will be.
It’s the same with habits. If you are taking on too much at once, you are not setting yourself up for success. You will quickly become overwhelmed. How did relaxed productivity help you with your habit changes?
Leo: That sense of urgency, which is created in our own minds, becomes a mental habit that we have a hard time getting out of. When you rush through one task, you are suddenly looking for the next one, and then the next, and it’s neverending. What I’ve found useful is to slow down, focus on one task, give it some space, loosen up my tightened mind. When I finish that one task, I try to give some space before starting the next task (when I remember).
Has this helped with my habit changes? Well, it’s important to give the habit its own space as well … if we just see the new habit (let’s say doing a workout) as something to rush through before you do your next task, it won’t have any focus, and you won’t enjoy it. Instead, treat this new habit as an event, something worth giving your attention and time to, something to be relished.
These are Buddhist concepts, but it is possible to practice mindfulness and Zen without being Buddhist, right? There are things that parallel with Christianity, for instance. Things like impermanence and leaving attachments sound very much like Christian concepts as well.
Leo: Yes, the ideas of impermanence and non-attachment are fairly widespread, and you don’t have to be a part of any religion, really, to try them out. It’s obvious that our time here on earth is fleeting and limited, and so life itself is impermanent. Nothing lasts, everything changes. It’s how we deal with that impermanence that determines our happiness. And so non-attachment is simply a way of dealing with impermanence — if everything changes, don’t be attached to one state. And with practice, it works really well.
I love how you always talk about being grateful for the moment. You don’t necessarily mean, Yay, I’m encountering hardships, but being grateful for the experience and the corresponding lessons. Can you talk about some obstacles you faced when you were conquering habits, and how you dealt with them?
Leo: I’ve faced so many obstacles! From not wanting to do the habit today, to feeling guilty if I missed, to not trusting myself to stick to a habit, to opposition from other people in my life to my changes. Actually, my entire book is about how to deal with these obstacles … but in brief:
Have there been instances where people in your life have responded negatively or uncomfortably to your changes?
Leo: Oh, definitely. I’ve had family members who were resentful when I tried to eat healthier, or people who mocked my quitting smoking, believe it or not. Probably the most negative reactions we’ve gotten is from becoming vegan, and unschooling our kids. We’ve learned that other people will be resistant to change, and we have to learn how to handle that in stride. We try to deal kindly and gently with other people like that, and to slowly educate them or at least get them to understand a little. Slowly, though, I’ve surrounded myself with people who are more supportive.
Are there any habits you wanted to but haven’t changed?
Leo: Sure, lots … I’ve been inconsistent with meditation, and I’ve quit language learning about 5 times. That’s OK — we’re all learning! I try not to be too hard on myself, but learn from my mistakes.
You are selling your new book on an unconventional platform. Can you tell us how we can get it?
Leo: I thought it would be fun to cut out the middle man, and sell directly to my readers. So you can only buy the book on Kickstarter: the Zen Habits book. This will help fund the printing of the book, and you can also get it in digital format (Kindle, PDF, iPad, web) and even be a part of webinars and a coaching program if you choose the higher reward levels.
Thank you so much, Leo!
You can always read Leo’s stuff at https://www.zenhabits.com
Posted by Brooke at 10:39 PM
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
|Dr. Michelle Dillon|
c. Charlotte Natural Wellness
Our society is comfortably numb. We are overmedicated, for sure. You say you are uncomfortable? There are lots of chemicals that may or may not treat your symptoms that medicine companies [not doctors, mind you] will happily sell to you for thousands of dollars.
There is a medicine for almost every minor discomfort under the sun. The more addicted you are, the better off they are. Medicine companies are making billions of dollars. I stopped watching TV long ago, but I remember I couldn’t watch for any length of time without being pummeled with an antidepressant ad or worse, a Viagra ad coming on. Magazines aren’t safe either.
That's why it was very refreshing to meet a doctor who wants to first and foremost solve things without drugs, but isn’t afraid to use them when necessary.
I met Dr. Michelle Dillon at my church. I was really stoked to find out what she does. She is a Naturopathic Doctor at Charlotte Natural Wellness.
Her passion is working with mothers, who are probably the most stressed out people in the world. She should know, she’s a mother of three.
First of all, is there a difference between homeopathic, naturalistic, there is a lot of words people throw around. Are they all the same?
Dr. Michelle~No. Homeopathic remedies, I would say, fall into the same category as natural medicines. The difference is that homeopathic remedies are produced differently, are diluted multiple hundred times vs. natural medicines are just a vitamin, herb, or combination.
She said the differences between homeopathy and traditional practice are, that traditional medicine prefers to treat symptoms while homeopathy advocates a preventative healthy lifestyle which encompasses the whole person.
My own personal moment of clarity came when I found out that anxiety is a gut issue, not a psychological issue. This really resonated with me. I know that I can get really grumpy when I’m hungry, or am sick to my stomach. Also anxiety is known to manifest itself in the gut, constipation, diarrhea, what have you. [All the digestion aid medicine ads started to make sense].
Dr. Michelle~ There is a percentage of serotonin that is made in the gut It’s like 60 – 80 percent of serotonin, which is the happy hormone or neurotransmitter, is produced in the gut. If you have weak digestion, if you have chronic diarrhea you are not absorbing everything, it’s going to definitely affect your moods. A lot of health issues are stemmed in the gut.
~Anxiety, I find a large correlation with irregular blood sugar. So when your blood sugar is really low, your body will kick in norepinphrine, the stress hormones to help increase the blood sugar, but in the process it increases your anxiety as well. It’s a lot of things...There is never just one answer. There are so many components to it and it’s different for everyone.
What do you say to people who think that homeopathic medicine is new agey. To people who would never consider seeing a homeopathic doctor or yoga or meditation. I remember there was a time when I thought that was something only hippies did, and there are some who consider meditation just dangerous.
~ I do encounter nay sayers - but most of the time if they feel that way they will not call me in the first place!
~I think meditation is good; It’s just what are you meditating on? Because I’m actually working on a CD for Christian mediation; like just meditating on scripture. The Bible uses meditation frequently...It says whatever your thoughts are constantly thinking of, that’s what you’re meditating on. So, yes, I think there are some meditations that are kind of new agey, creepy and weird, but a lot of meditation is just bringing your thoughts to something that is calming and restful and focusing on positive things instead of all the crazy in your life. So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. A lot of new agey stuff...there’s no harm in it.
My boyfriend is a yoga teacher. And until I met him I had never tried yoga, but it really does help you relax. I can tell a huge difference after I practice. Now I wouldn’t be able to give it up.
~yogadownload.com is great. They just has a thing on Groupon, where you could have a whole year and then you could just do it whenever you want. You can do it on your phone. It comes in handy when you don’t have a lot of time to go to a class.
Dr. Michelle~Are you taking any supplements?
No...Actually I did just start taking something I heard from Dr. Oz. It’s a teaspoon of ginger, a teaspoon of lemon juice and a half teaspoon of honey. You are supposed to take it three times a day. I’ve been doing it inconsistently. But it seemed to work. I’m going to keep trying it though.
~I’m sure not going too long without eating will help with anxiety and supporting your adrenal glands, like adaptogenic herbs; Kava Kava, California Poppy. These all help with anxiety and stress. A lot of people turn to alcohol, but there are some herbs you can turn to as well. Which sounds kind of bad, you know, Turn to herbs, no? [laughs] The proper kind, the legal kind, like Valarian or Kava to take that edge off.
And these are herbs you can get at the grocery store?
~Yeah, you can get them at Earthfare, a Vitamin shop. You want to make sure you read the label that it’s filtered for any contaminants, cause some of the herbs can be high in arsenic or heavy metals or pesticides. Make sure it’s by a good company, that it proudly states that they filter it or they investigate any impurities. Because not all supplements are created equal. They’re like Oh, let’s get the cheap kind. Most of the cheap ones have no medicinal value. You’re just wasting your money or you’re even contaminating yourself. Like the big popular one now is Centrum. And Centrum is high in copper and tin. And tin is neurotoxic. People spend big money to get that out of their body and you’re paying, like nothing, to get it in.
Thank you so much, Dr. Michelle!
Dr. Michelle Dillon is a licensed Naturopathic Doctor at Charlotte Natural Wellness who is an expert in relieving fatigue, allergies, headaches, women's issues, and a variety of other imbalances without medicine, if possible.
Posted by Brooke at 4:40 PM
Friday, October 10, 2014
With a knot in her stomach, Gina looked at the balance in her bank account for what seemed the hundredth time. How could it have gotten so low? With her credit card maxed out how in the world was she going to make it through the week? Maybe she wouldn’t have to eat. Or she could do as author, Henry Miller did; be a dinner guest at a different friend’s house every night of the week. The thought made her smile, it was certainly creative. No, she couldn’t be one of those people.
She wasn’t poor. She got paid the next week.... It’s just that after paying the bills she wouldn’t have much left and she’d be back where she was now.
She’s not alone. Everyone is worried about money these days. I’ve had several conversations with people describing exactly this situation. Hard working people just trying to scrape by.
Everyone has had lean times and fat times. There have been just as many books about the lean times as the fat times. I like Seth Godin’s thoughts on money in his blog.
Money isn't real.... Our bank balance is merely a number, bits represented on a screen, but it's also a signal and symptom. We tell ourselves a story about how we got that money, what it says about us, what we're going to do with it and how other people judge us. We tell ourselves a story about how that might grow, and more vividly, how that money might disappear or shrink or be taken away.
And those stories, those very powerful unstated stories, impact the narrative of just about everything else we do.
I’m willing to bet that our money isn’t half as important as the stories we tell ourselves about it. How much we need it, the best way to get it, the best things to spend it on.
People have different stories of rich and poor; likewise, different stories of success. These people can be inter-generational. [largely influenced by their parents, I’m sure]. What some people can do without are non-negotiables for others. Believe it or not, not all people have phones, TV, or internet. While I have not been in contact with these people in a long time to know if they have survived, I have heard they are doing just fine.
I mentioned in another post, Prosperity, how my boyfriend recalls that on the El in Chicago, during times of economic boom all of the passengers read Ayn Rand and in tighter times everyone reads Grapes of Wrath.
You are writing your financial story. You can choose to live in abundance or in poverty. If you start to stress out, change your story.
Posted by Brooke at 10:44 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
I was absolutely seething because some cheaters were allowed to win at trivia....last Thursday. It’s not that it was just last Thursday; it was many times before and will probably be many times after. This particular host has shown that he really doesn’t care and will not enforce cheating. I waste a lot of time and energy raging about it.
“Why?” You may ask. Because that means dirty, rotten cheaters are eating our well-deserved meal!
I spent a longer part of the afternoon venting to my boyfriend about it than I would have liked, threatening to hit “SEND” on the blistering email I had written to the host's boss. One of many.
“Why don’t you be like Baileys?” my boyfriend asked. “She spent most of the morning fighting off two pitt bulls at the dog park Saturday. Some other dogs were picking on her. [Maybe they were playing, but it looked annoying to me.] You don’t see her raging about it. She doesn’t dwell on things. She just comes home, trots around with her pheasant and baby and is happy because she has a great life.”
He mimicked her walking around in pure bliss, like she does.
I thought about it. He was absolutely right, as usual.
Not that she didn’t give the two bullies a what-for at the dog park. She doesn’t stuff her emotions. If we leave and don’t take her with us, she just poops on the floor and calmly waits for us, then is really happy to see us when we get back. [actually, she doesn’t do that as much anymore].
The point is she doesn’t sit and pout about how unfair she thinks things are for her. She’s amazingly well-adjusted. She has plenty to distrust people about. She had a pitiful past filled with abandonment. She doesn’t let it shake her. As long as she has her “pack” [the three of us], Baileys is confident that everything will be ok and she doesn’t let anything get her down. Every day is a new day filled with fun and adventures.
Posted by Brooke at 3:30 PM
Thursday, August 28, 2014
ARRGGHHH! just ARRGGHHH!
I sprained my ankle several months ago. Not exactly how I counted on spending my Easter weekend. I was so frustrated! It meant I was a lot slower. I couldn’t walk my dog, I had signed up to greet at church on Sunday...maybe I could sit and do this?.... not to mention it put a real thorn in my side at work. Why in the world did it have to happen?
This was frustrating, I’ll admit. Though much different in scope, it was not unlike the feelings of helplessness I had a few weeks ago when my mother had an unexpected stroke. It certainly intruded on her plans.
My dad took the time to go through her calendar for the week, cancelling appointments, piano lessons, meetings; because nowhere on her schedule had the stroke been penciled in.
Once we got over the initial fear that goes along with a stroke; will she be ok? We got to work on rehab. I hesitate to use the word “we;” I am only there a couple of hours a day and I help out when I’m not working, but my dad really doing all of the caretaking.
It is definitely paying off! My mom is progressing beyond everyone’s expectations. She really is doing fantastic! But it’s slow moving. Not really though.... She couldn’t speak two weeks ago.... It just seems that way, I guess. More so for her.
She was a Toastmaster and a singer and a teacher, so the slower speech issues are cramping her style, for sure. Talk about a change of plans....
Things happen, for sure. We are a lot less in control than we like to think. So how do we not allow these things to derail us?
We could and lots of people do. But more often than not, people realize a strength that they didn’t know they had. They adjust to a new normal. When I was in a car accident a while back, my mother really identified with a poem called, Welcome to Holland. Though the circumstances were different, the idea is still the same.
You are in a place you didn’t plan to be, certainly don’t want to be. Everything is different than what you are used to. You can choose to sullenly fight the new schedules, new environments, new people you hadn’t counted on meeting, new services you hadn’t counted on needing, new limitations; or be open to new possibilities.
It’s not as cut and dry as this. I don’t mean to make it sound simple or easy, because it’s not. It is a daily, hourly process of accepting.
We are in Holland....quite unexpectedly. But you know, some days even Holland has some nice weather and scenery. We’ll come back very soon with our postcards and souvenirs and say “remember when...”
Posted by Brooke at 7:10 AM